made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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