i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
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