Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
