Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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