Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Randomize
