I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
