Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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