Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Randomize
