Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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