You don't have asthma, your pregnant
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
