Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
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