that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I am midnight drunk by noon
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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