We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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