Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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