Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
