sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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