last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
this hospital has no fireball
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
