Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
