u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I will be naked everywhere
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
