He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize
