now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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