I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Randomize
