There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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