the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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