I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
