I'm really into asian looking animals
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Randomize
