I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
