sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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