: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
