I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
