Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
We are two peas in an std pod
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
