good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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