Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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