True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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