Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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