You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize