im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
