the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
