I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Randomize
