Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
