So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
