Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
