I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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