Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
