If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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