Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
And then he peed in my hair
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