Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
