drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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