Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize