Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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