Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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