did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
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