it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Randomize
