Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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