Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
