dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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