life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Dicks are not precious.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
