It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
