kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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