Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
