apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Is it penis luge time yet?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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