I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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