You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
