I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
