I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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