Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Randomize
