Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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