i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
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