How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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