I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Is Oprah even human
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Randomize
