Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
