I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
