You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
