You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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