I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Randomize
