The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize