She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I want to fling myself into the sun
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
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