I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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